Who IS that in the mirror?
Do you even know who you are any more?
Something I just saw on TikTok unexpectedly took me back 46 years to a minor but life-changing accident I had when I was 16. I see parallels for me in both the immediate aftermath of that accident and in feeling somewhat confused and purposeless right now. If you feel the same, know that this is okay — if I survived, you can too — and that past you and future you are your best friends. They will pull you through. There’s an actionable item at the end.
Olivia Durant
I’d never heard of Olivia before. If you haven’t either, look her up, she’s a force of nature: tiktok.com/@onidurant/oliviadurant.com She was blind from birth, recently got her sight restored and she was answering questions about her experience: video — and here’s a transcript of what she said in it:
“What shocked me the most when I got my eyesight? I have to actually say — I did — what I looked like. I had no idea what I looked like. So I would go into stores with those mirrors on the wall and I saw myself and I actually said ‘Hello’ to myself because I thought I was a different person. I had a complete identity crisis because I … it’s a little weird when you can’t recognize yourself right? It’s kind of a little disturbing — like everything you knew about yourself is wrong.”
I knew how she felt
I had a similar experience in hospital after getting some head-trauma in a motorcycle accident. The first time I was well enough to go to the bathroom on my own, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror and I turned around thinking there was someone behind me.
My accident (gore warning — skip if squeamish)
It happened on a cold, damp autumn night when an oncoming car turned across in front of me abruptly, leaving me no way to avoid it. I hit the car side-on at 30 miles an hour, connecting with the strong part where the hood meets the windshield. I flew over the hood and landed head-first on the pavement — minus my crash helmet, torn off by the impact.
I woke up in hospital with dozens of stitches and so much swelling over my right eye the pressure on the eyeball made the optic nerve shut down. No vision at all — everything was completely black to start with. I had a memory of lying on the road, in a lot of pain, drenched in blood and not being able to feel the eyeball there any more. Thinking I’d lost it was a grim realization.
Luckily my left eye was untouched, the right eye was still there and some sight came back in it after a few months. However, although I could see well enough to drive, my eyesight was nowhere near good enough for the career I had planned out.
The consequence
I’d grown up in a family where all my male role models had been in the Armed Services; I was doing well at school and I’d got my heart set on being a pilot. I joined the Air Training Corps at 14 and when I first flew — in a Chipmunk trainer at RAF West Raynham — I was hooked. I chose a school syllabus with the goal of joining the RAF Officer Training program and getting into a University Air Squadron. But Pilots need 20/20 vision, so that dream was over.
I didn’t handle it well. I dropped out of classes even though one tutor in particular worked hard to try and help me catch up on two months of classes which I missed convalescing.
The long echo
Looking back, I see how the accident and its repercussions were as much a psychological wound as a physical one — I was numb with grief at losing my eyesight and I had no backup plan — no idea what I was going to do any more. I eventually figured something out but it took a couple of years and I never did go to University. Couldn’t see the point back then. Instead I developed a self-protective cocoon to wrap myself up in, to cope with the pain, and part of me never came back out.
Then Compared to Now
I’ve come to realize that I’m feeling a bit adrift again — not for any traumatic reason, I’m just older — and more reflective now that I’ve become involved in a local community project that involves a form of Constellation Therapy.
This led me to look at the beliefs and feelings behind the ways I react to people and events around me. Which, in turn, uncovered emotional issues from my past that I haven’t dealt with healthily — including burying my grief after that accident.
Whilst the project has also given me tools to make things better, as well as the support of the other men in the group, I feel like a work in progress. So at the time of writing I find myself temporarily (I hope) a bit ‘de-constructed’ and not quite sure where I fit in any more.
Olivia’s TikTok video found me freshly open to the emotions of my past too, but it also simultaneously propelled me into thinking about the possibility of not recognizing myself any more psychologically rather than just physically. Is that why I feel adrift?
Late Life Crisis?
This all might have looked like a mid-life crisis if I was younger, so I flipped that around tried searching for ‘Late Life Crisis and I found this article:
Are You Having a Late-Life Crisis?
One paragraph in particular jumped out:
“The late-life crisis is an opportunity for us to reframe what it means to get old — to change our mindset from danger to opportunity, from living a default life to living a good life. This means choosing how to see a new image in the mirror.“ (my emphasis)
Going down a rabbit-hole
Submerged as I often am in the writing process of wrangling a logical and meaningful article out of a ‘seed’ idea, I see a parallel: not so much in finding a new image but at least a new way of looking at something. I’m clearly in the middle of trying to do the same with my own life.
You can see why some writers talk about writing as a form of therapy. Once you start digging around in your own head, you never know what you’re going to find.
Realizing I’ve changed
Because I’m still a work in progress (I’ll keep you posted) I can’t give you a proven ’10 Top Tips for Re-Inventing yourself after 50’ and point to my glowing record of success but I have done some foundational things that you might find interesting (hit me up with a comment for any more details):
Relocation
- Seven years ago I sold my home of 24 years close to London and moved overseas, to a remote mountain village.
Act of Service
- Three years ago I helped create a local community group of 26 men (it survived lockdown and still runs)
Lifestyle
- Eleven years ago I gave up animal products and became vegan (gone back to eating fish since …)
- Four years ago I quit smoking
- One year ago I quit drinking
- Six months ago I stopped eating three meals a day
I think that qualifies me to have potentially helpful perspectives, so I’ll give myself permission to share one thing in particular that I’ve picked up.
There are three of you — get to know each other
This concept may well have it’s origins elsewhere (let me know?) but I first heard of it from the wonderful Reddit user ryans01 and it’s been very helpful to me. If you’re okay with mild bro-speak and slightly salty language, I highly recommend you read this (re)post (or my shortened summary in the next paragraph if you’re dainty):
There’s the past you, the present you, and the future you. As ‘present you’, treat the other two like your best friends — because that’s what they are.
Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you’ve done. Feeling bad today? Stop; find any good decision you made yesterday — or earlier:
- Salad instead of a burger? — thank you, younger me.
- Wrote 200 words last week? — thank you, younger me.
- Put money by last month? — thank you, younger me.
Do your future self — future you — a FAVOUR (just like you would for your best friend)
- Tired and can’t get off social media/netflix /XBox? — I’ll do some laundry — this one’s for future me.
- Alarm goes off and bed is too comfy? — I’ll get up and exercise — this one’s for future me.
And make sure to make sure you THANK past you at the end of every single thing.
The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity.
I wonder if Ryan knows what an amazing act of service he did writing his post? I hope so, I found it deeply moving. Give him some love on Reddit if you can.
Actionable item
Write down the story of a happy or successful time in your life and what it was about you which made that possible — really bury your toes in the soft sand of a warm memory and wriggle them around. Then keep the story safe to revisit when you need it. If you really can’t think of one, that’s okay, think about how you came to be reading these words instead. You are still hunting down ways to make things better for yourself, or you wouldn’t be here. Anyone who hasn’t given up, who is holding on to even the tiniest flame of hope is a winner. I salute you; salute yourself.
